Select From The Stories Listed Below
As Ben Franklin said
How We Do Laundry in Ohio
The Psychiatrist and Proctologist...
Nobody Is Perfect
Little Known Food Information
Little Johnny
Kentucky Life
How Men can Make a Woman Happy
History Of The World
A Cup Of Tea
Confucius Say
Children Writing About the Ocean...
Bob's Story
Choosing A Wife
How We Do Laundry in Ohio
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied.. "What does it say on the shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Michigan."

"Use Hot Water, ½ box of Tide and 4 cups of bleach."

GO BUCKS!!!!!
The Psychiatrist and Proctologist...
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors"
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to
"Catatonics and High Colonics"
No go. Next, they tried
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"
Thumbs down again. Then came
"Minds and Behinds"
Still no good. Another attempt resulted in
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
Unacceptable again! So they tried
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"
No way
"Freaks and Cheeks"
Still no go
"Loons and Moons"
Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
Nobody Is Perfect
Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not-so-good qualities.

In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being.

We should refrain from judgement of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten no-good son-of-a-bitch.
Little Known Food Information
It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish. All before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best and more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...

God left us a great clue as to what foods help what part of our body!

God's Pharmacy! Amazing!

A sliced carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye. And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, bok choy, rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, eggplant and pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries. Oranges, grapefruits, and other citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny."Giving up?"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture"
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Kentucky Life
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
How Men can Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
A friend
A companion
A lover
A brother
A father
A master
A chef
An electrician
A carpenter
A plumber
A mechanic
A decorator
A stylist
A sexologist
A gynecologist
A psychologist
A pest exterminator
A psychiatrist
A healer
A good listener
An organizer
A good father
Very clean
Sympathetic
Athletic
Warm
Attentive
Gallant
Intelligent
Funny
Creative
Tender
Strong
Understanding
Tolerant
Prudent
Ambitious
Capable
Courageous
Determined!
True
Dependable
Passionate
Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
Give her compliments regularly
Love shopping
Be honest
Be very rich
Not stress her out
Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT NEVER TO FORGET:
BIRTHDAYS
ANNIVERSARIES
ARRANGEMENTS SHE MAKES
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol
History Of The World
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew King who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.

The mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Styx until he became intolerable.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Eventually, the Ramones conquered the Greeks.

Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In the Middle Ages, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings

Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw.

The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The painter Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance.

Guttenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

William Shakespeare wrote about Romeo and Juliet, a romantic couplet.

Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.

John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then, his wife died, and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea.

Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wiles Booth. This ruined Booth's career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827, and later died from this.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Madman Curie discovered radium.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
A Cup Of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water.  After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know)

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Confucius Say
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
Children Writing About the Ocean...
(Kelly, age 6) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Jerry, age 6) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Mary, age 7) If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Kylie, age 6) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Billy, age 8) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Millie, age 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(William, age 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(Helen, age 6) Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Amy, age 6) I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Christopher, age 7) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Kevin, age 6) When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Becky, age 8) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Julie, age 7) On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Bobby, age 6) The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(James, age 7) My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
Bob's Story
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club."

"I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

"Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."



Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
As Ben Franklin said
In wine, there is wisdom,

In beer, there is freedom,

In water, there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we were to drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli (E.coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we would have consumed one kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Therefore, remember this when faced with a decision:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

The conclusion is obvious:

It is better to drink wine and talk stupid,

Than to drink water and be full of shit.